Grief-in-Place (Part 2)
Yesterday I took the second half of the day off, just to give myself space to think and breathe. I have been through so much recently, and have felt the need to create intense structure to my days just to keep myself going. But this week, I realized that I am entering a wave of grief due to the recent loss of my fiancé Phil. On March 7th, he broke off our engagement and ended our relationship over the phone. While there were some recent changes in his behavior that I had noticed (and was perplexed about), this breakup blindsided me. I spent hundreds of hours planning our September 5th wedding in Pittsburgh (his hometown), had gotten to know (and love) his family, his friends and his colleagues. I had imagined a whole future together… and that was gone in an instant. Then, within a matter of days, I had to switch gears entirely into “Coronavirus Protection Mode.”
Typically, if I had experienced this kind of loss, I would make sure to be out and about as much as possible. I would throw myself into volunteer work, and attend political meeting and events. I would spend time with friends, to at least try not to feel alone. Because due to experiences with abandonment that have transpired throughout my life, I take the loss of someone important like this extremely hard. I get severely depressed, and it is difficult to see a light at the end of the tunnel. The coronavirus complication has stripped my usual coping mechanisms away from me, so I am having to come up with substitutes on the fly. But I am really struggling.
A few days after the breakup, Phil and I did meet and talked things through a bit. It is clear that he got really scared about all these upcoming life changes, and that he reacted to that fear. I honestly don’t fully understand what happened beyond that, because he has a hard time expressing his emotions –and I am trying my best to give him the space he needs. But I am having to come to grips with the fact that I may never really “get it.” And that haunts me.
We have talked, pretty much every day since, checking in with each other in the evenings. Sometimes we talk about the latest in politics and coronavirus updates, and sometimes we watch a movie “together” (with text message commentary back and forth). Sometimes, we get on a Zoom call and play Gin Rummy using an app on our phones. Having him in my life, even though things aren’t the same, has been somewhat comforting given the strange circumstances we are in (I am sheltered in place on my own in Chicago and he is doing the same up in Milwaukee). He has come down to see me a couple times, and is the only person I have come within 6 feet of in weeks. So I guess we are still technically “seeing each other,” for the moment, but minus the feeling of joy and wonderment we had together (and without me having any status in his life). It’s like he’s half there; a ghost. And as a result, I don’t know where I am right now either. It’s finally hitting me that the person I fell in love with might just be gone. And I am just trying to be okay with that. I am just trying to be OK.