Happy 3 week shelter-in-place anniversary to me!
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Today I am thinking a lot about family and upbringing, and about the ways who/what you are initially dealt in life can continue to haunt you.
No matter how much therapy or self-work I have done, there are themes that keep coming up for me. On the bright side, I feel like I am a woman who knows what makes me feel safe and loved. And that has tended to be a doting father figure (or mentor of some kind), who provides the support and attention I need to thrive. When I have someone like this… I am absolutely living my best life! I think that because I had such a tumultuous childhood, I saw my own father as a sort of anchor. And I feel I need that anchor to better help me understand what space I should occupy in the world. I want to be a “special helper” and I want to be “good.” I want to be loved and praised for who I am and all that I do. And that is why, I think, I am attracted to these specific types of relationships, that, ideally, would reinforce these desires.
Now my Dad is not perfect mind you… far from it actually. But he was someone who could scoop me up when I was little and make me feel protected, even if only temporarily.
Like many partners I have come to know in life, my Dad is also what you might call, “emotionally unavailable.” He is the type who will be there physically if you need help, but that is about it. Which is valuable and nothing to scoff at! But I have never really had a deep, meaningful talk with my father (as I would like to), and I have never felt any sort of validation of my feelings from him. Mostly he is the type that avoids emotions at all costs. And I see this trend repeating in my relationships. I tend to become disarmed in some way by a potential partner saying or doing “the right things” early on, so I am lulled into a sense of trust and relative safety. But then, after the enchantment period passes, I come to find out that they are not emotionally present in the way that I need and deserve. And then this makes me question my own perception of reality, given that I truly believed this was a person I could let my guard down for.
Am I doomed to repeat this pattern? Is anyone emotionally available these days? Some have suggested perhaps I am actually attracted to the lack of “access” or the way I am sort of held at arms length. If that is true, I would definitely like to change that immediately. Because it does not feel good to be marginalized for being a sentient being. I absolutely deserve validation, respect and appreciation. I know that. I just fail at getting it in practice.
I am trying not to be too hard on myself, for loving someone who simply was not ready for what I was throwing down. Allowing myself to open up the way I did, illustrates that I am willing to take risks for love. And that sometimes doesn’t pan out. I really hope this recent experience won’t impact me negatively moving forward, because I want to remain someone sweet and passionate, who wears their heart on their sleeve and fights valiantly in the name of love.