I spent time this weekend with my former-fiancé-now-again-boyfriend Phil. We have been in touch practically every day since the shelter-in-place began, and he has visited me almost every weekend. It is clear that despite our breakup, we have a strong bond, and that we have been there for each other during these difficult times. But a little over a week ago, we had a really deep talk about our relationship late one night and about our lasting feelings for one another… this was the first time in ages that I felt I could express myself without walking on eggshells or worrying that he would withdraw. It was like — wow.
Since then it has been much like old times… I’ve been getting sweet texts and voice messages just to “check in,” been talking more overall, and what I have appreciated most is my ability to speak frankly in a way that I haven’t felt able to for a long time. It has been like “he” is back! But when he expressed that he loved me and wanted to get back together this weekend, I insisted that we see a couples counselor to assess whether the rift caused by our breakup can be mended (and that we really want it to be), as well as just to process what happened together.
Part of me is relieved that we have reconnected in this way, and is optimistic that Phil seems willing to work through some difficult things in order to, hopefully, come out the other side together. The other part recognizes the major differences in our approaches to relationships, and how our various “parts” react with one another negatively.
When we were still together (before), we went to a therapist for a couple months to learn how to communicate better (since we were getting married and all), and one thing that sticks out was when our therapist talked about something called “attachment theory.” I remember looking it up at the time and it ringing a bell, but today I started digging into it more deeply. I started reading a book called Insecure in Love by Leslie Becker-Phelps PhD, and took a survey to assess what attachment “type” I am. I think there really could be something to this!
In a nutshell, the theory is that as babies we learn to “attach” to our primary caregivers/parents in a particular way, and that this way (that we learn in infancy) sticks with us and carries over into adulthood. Depending on how you are nurtured (or not) during these formative years, along with the impacts of later “attachment figures” — this affects how you will relate to romantic partners as an adult.
It turns out that I have an “anxious” type attachment style, although I identify with parts of both secure and even fearful styles. And I recognize Phil as being avoidant for sure (possibly fearful or anxious avoidant). And given our almost opposing attachment styles, I recognize that it will take a concerted effort for us to begin to relate to each other in a “stable” way. Fingers crossed!
Take the survey here if it piques your interest… and Google “attachment theory” to read more about how it impacts your own relationships.