I recorded a podcast today, you can check it out here.
On my mind today was the shameful voter suppression taking place in Wisconsin as residents were forced to risk their lives to vote, and the imprisoned folks at Cook County Jail whose lives are in jeopardy as COVID-19 cases rise. I never thought I would witness such reckless disregard for human life, but here you have it.
Voter suppression in Wisconsin today, residents were asked to risk their lives rather than postpone the election due to the coronavirus pandemic –April 7, 2020 (Photo by Lauren Justice for The New York Times)
Thanks to listener Mark S. (a rideshare driver in Chicago) for calling in to share how he is being impacted by the pandemic. I would really like to use this platform to amplify stories from you about what is happening and how you are coping. Please go to anchor.fm/theshanaeast and click the “Message” button to send a recording to be shared on a later podcast.
Happy 3 week shelter-in-place anniversary to me! 🙄
Today I am thinking a lot about family and upbringing, and about the ways who/what you are initially dealt in life can continue to haunt you.
No matter how much therapy or self-work I have done, there are themes that keep coming up for me. On the bright side, I feel like I am a woman who knows what makes me feel safe and loved. And that has tended to be a doting father figure (or mentor of some kind), who provides the support and attention I need to thrive. When I have someone like this… I am absolutely living my best life! I think that because I had such a tumultuous childhood, I saw my own father as a sort of anchor. And I feel I need that anchor to better help me understand what space I should occupy in the world. I want to be a “special helper” and I want to be “good.” I want to be loved and praised for who I am and all that I do. And that is why, I think, I am attracted to these specific types of relationships, that, ideally, would reinforce these desires.
Now my Dad is not perfect mind you… far from it actually. But he was someone who could scoop me up when I was little and make me feel protected, even if only temporarily.
“Daddy’s girl. Konstantin” by Gregory Radionov
Like many partners I have come to know in life, my Dad is also what you might call, “emotionally unavailable.” He is the type who will be there physically if you need help, but that is about it. Which is valuable and nothing to scoff at! But I have never really had a deep, meaningful talk with my father (as I would like to), and I have never felt any sort of validation of my feelings from him. Mostly he is the type that avoids emotions at all costs. And I see this trend repeating in my relationships. I tend to become disarmed in some way by a potential partner saying or doing “the right things” early on, so I am lulled into a sense of trust and relative safety. But then, after the enchantment period passes, I come to find out that they are not emotionally present in the way that I need and deserve. And then this makes me question my own perception of reality, given that I truly believed this was a person I could let my guard down for.
Am I doomed to repeat this pattern? Is anyone emotionally available these days? Some have suggested perhaps I am actually attracted to the lack of “access” or the way I am sort of held at arms length. If that is true, I would definitely like to change that immediately. Because it does not feel good to be marginalized for being a sentient being. I absolutely deserve validation, respect and appreciation. I know that. I just fail at getting it in practice.
I am trying not to be too hard on myself, for loving someone who simply was not ready for what I was throwing down. Allowing myself to open up the way I did, illustrates that I am willing to take risks for love. And that sometimes doesn’t pan out. I really hope this recent experience won’t impact me negatively moving forward, because I want to remain someone sweet and passionate, who wears their heart on their sleeve and fights valiantly in the name of love.
Today I stumbled upon this new podcast platform called Anchor, and am curious to see if it might be a good addition to this blog. I realize I have mostly been using this space to process my own thoughts and experiences in relation to the coronavirus crisis… but I also really want to hear from you! So, if you have been impacted by COVID-19 in any way: contracted the virus, lost your job and/or healthcare, don’t have proper PPE, can’t vote (or are afraid to), are dealing with a mental health crisis —ANYTHING— please leave me a message via the Day 15 — A podcast page (look for the “Message” button). I want to explore compiling these stories in some way in the near future. I look forward to hearing from you!
Check out the first “episode” of the new “Day 15” podcast, which calls for people impacted by COVID-19 to submit their stories here: “Day 20 – Share Your Story!”
Things have been eerily quiet this week. I have received barely any calls or text messages… and all the pings I typically get to help out with this or that project have ceased. I haven’t even heard from my boss, and haven’t seen as much as an email from my co-workers.
I have been trying to stay connected to humankind, despite this isolation; I’ve reached out to friends, started working on this blog, post frequently on social media and even started recording check-in videos. I have been doing all the things one might suggest to work through this time: creating a daily plan so there is some sort of structure to my day, maintaining the work necessary to continue to bring in a paycheck and keep my benefits, exercising everyday, talking to my therapist and psychiatrist, and trying to stay involved with political projects where I can. But I have to be honest that it doesn’t feel like it is helping much. There really is no substitute for sharing physical space with loved ones, and a having sense of community and purpose.
I am deeply concerned, not only about my own emotional well being, but about ours collectively. There is already an incredible lack of access to mental health care, whether it be due to the fact that it isn’t covered by your insurance, it is too expensive (even with insurance), or you don’t have insurance period. And there is still, of course, the stigma surrounding therapy and mental illness. I am not ashamed to say that mental illness is something I have struggled with throughout my life, and I think that everyone could benefit in some way from talking to a therapist.
There couldn’t be a better time than now to make the case for Medicare For All, which would cover both healthcare and mental health costs without any co-pays or out-of-pocket expenses. We desperately need to enact a nationalized health program like this immediately, before the coronavirus (and related policy violence) kills millions and impacts us all for the years and generations to come.
Still from check-in video taken on my walk around Chicago’s Avondale neighborhood today. Watch here: Day 19 check-in video –April 3, 2020
Also in my thoughts today:
♥ All the folks out there sheltering-in-place alone: thank you for making this sacrifice to keep yourself and others safe and healthy.
♥ All those struggling with mental health issues right now: you’re not alone! Please feel free to reach out if you need to talk (and I could definitely use folks to talk to about this as well).
♥ All those with strained family relationships: I know how hard it can be when you have hard boundaries with family members, or very little close family to speak of. It is important to do whatever you need to do to stay sane and protect yourself. And remember: you still have the chance to find people to be a part of your chosen “family” (if you weren’t dealt the best family cards to begin with).
♥ All those struggling with abusive relationships: I know how difficult it is when you are forced to stay in unsafe living situations, or when you must rely upon people who are hurting you in some way (physically and/or mentally). It is so fucking hard, and there is no simple answer as to what you should do. Just don’t forget your worth, and reach out to anyone who might be able to help (including me — shana@shanaeast.com).
Yesterday I took the second half of the day off, just to give myself space to think and breathe. I have been through so much recently, and have felt the need to create intense structure to my days just to keep myself going. But this week, I realized that I am entering a wave of grief due to the recent loss of my fiancé Phil. On March 7th, he broke off our engagement and ended our relationship over the phone. While there were some recent changes in his behavior that I had noticed (and was perplexed about), this breakup blindsided me. I spent hundreds of hours planning our September 5th wedding in Pittsburgh (his hometown), had gotten to know (and love) his family, his friends and his colleagues. I had imagined a whole future together… and that was gone in an instant. Then, within a matter of days, I had to switch gears entirely into “Coronavirus Protection Mode.”
Typically, if I had experienced this kind of loss, I would make sure to be out and about as much as possible. I would throw myself into volunteer work, and attend political meeting and events. I would spend time with friends, to at least try not to feel alone. Because due to experiences with abandonment that have transpired throughout my life, I take the loss of someone important like this extremely hard. I get severely depressed, and it is difficult to see a light at the end of the tunnel. The coronavirus complication has stripped my usual coping mechanisms away from me, so I am having to come up with substitutes on the fly. But I am really struggling.
Still from video I took to document the cancellation of the rest of my day’s activities for a mental health break. Watch here: https://tinyurl.com/040120vid –April 1, 2020
A few days after the breakup, Phil and I did meet and talked things through a bit. It is clear that he got really scared about all these upcoming life changes, and that he reacted to that fear. I honestly don’t fully understand what happened beyond that, because he has a hard time expressing his emotions –and I am trying my best to give him the space he needs. But I am having to come to grips with the fact that I may never really “get it.” And that haunts me.
We have talked, pretty much every day since, checking in with each other in the evenings. Sometimes we talk about the latest in politics and coronavirus updates, and sometimes we watch a movie “together” (with text message commentary back and forth). Sometimes, we get on a Zoom call and play Gin Rummy using an app on our phones. Having him in my life, even though things aren’t the same, has been somewhat comforting given the strange circumstances we are in (I am sheltered in place on my own in Chicago and he is doing the same up in Milwaukee). He has come down to see me a couple times, and is the only person I have come within 6 feet of in weeks. So I guess we are still technically “seeing each other,” for the moment, but minus the feeling of joy and wonderment we had together (and without me having any status in his life). It’s like he’s half there; a ghost. And as a result, I don’t know where I am right now either. It’s finally hitting me that the person I fell in love with might just be gone. And I am just trying to be okay with that. I am just trying to be OK.
You know that feeling when you first wake up in the morning, and there are just a few seconds where you aren’t fully conscious of your reality yet? Then it becomes clear, in an instant—your entire body seizes up and a sense of utter despair floods your chest?
This is where I have been at for nearly a month now… with increasing intensity over the past few days. Still processing how I want to begin talking about this.
Me in my storefront apartment during my 40th birthday “party” (via Zoom conference) on day 6 of sheltering-in-place. Struggling, but unaware of how far from the “peak” of my grieving process I was — March 21, 2020
I feel very lucky being able to work from home over the past couple weeks. It’s interesting that I have always thought (or been told that) my job wasn’t possible remotely – but here we are. The main reason why it has been difficult to work from home is that I do not have the proper equipment or materials here. So a task that should take a few minutes can end up taking hours – my crappy printer jams, I make a mistake because I misread something on my tiny laptop, etc. All of this could be easily resolved, however. I could bring in a workable computer and monitors, a functioning printer, my check scanner, and all that I would need to produce the best quality work in the least amount of time. The reason I don’t have these things, seems to be denial on the part of leadership.
Executives and managers are still running around with their quotas and fiscal targets, as though we are not in the middle of a global crisis. While I have accepted this new reality, it seems unclear as to whether employers will come to grips with the fact that many non-essential workers, especially immunocompromised folks, may be working from home for the indefinite future. It seems that the best course of action would be to radically accept this; giving employees the tools they will need to do their jobs and stay safe. Because, after all, how productive will we be if we get sick (or die)?
Amazon employees hold a protest and walkout over work conditions at the company’s Staten Island distribution facility –March 30, 2020 (Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images)
It has been truly inspirational to see workers from Amazon, Instacart, GM and Whole Foods organize in the face of the coronavirus. Any time I have caused a fuss at work about benefits being cut year after year, it has been sad to see my co-workers’ acceptance of our fate. They don’t seem to know their collective power and worth as workers, and that without our labor, the organization will cease to operate. But it is times like these that if we fight… we just might win.
I have always had the sneaking suspicion that those in power want people like me dead. Growing up in poverty, I was made to feel at best like an “other,” at worst, a “burden on the system.” At times, friends suggested that perhaps I am “too sensitive” or “cynical” for feeling this way. But today, in the United States, it seems we have fully transitioned from our typical, more genteel “policy violence” into a clear and overt plan to eliminate (sacrifice?) the poor and most vulnerable.
“So if we can hold that down, as we’re saying, to 100,000, it’s a horrible number, maybe even less, but to 100,000, so we have between 100 [thousand] and 200,000 [deaths], we altogether have done a very good job.” –President Donald J. Trump, March 29, 2020
In a press conference held in the White House Rose Garden this past Sunday, President Trump came right out with it: if we lose only 100,000, possibly 200,000 people due to the COVID-19 virus, we will have done “a very good job.”
It is clear who those 100,000 to 200,000 people will be: our most vulnerable. It will be poor people (many now deemed “essential workers”), who don’t have the privilege of paid time off or job security. It will be frontline workers like nurses and cashiers. It will be the homeless, prisoners, and migrants. It will be folks like me with disabilities, compromised immune systems and other underlying conditions.
Frankly, it is a bit refreshing to hear such honesty when you have been gaslit your whole life! Thank you to the ruling class for their candor in admitting that indeed there is a subclass of human beings that society can not only do without, but — in fact — things will run much more smoothly, cheaper, and more efficiently without.
As I sit here today, on day 15 of self-isolation here in my Chicago apartment, I can’t help but contemplate this new reality I am surviving in… and what the next several months will be like for those Americans deemed most expendable.
