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Day 32

I talked to my Nana today, who was just diagnosed with COVID-19 and is now in the hospital. I kept thinking to myself: how, in the richest country in the world, are we letting our most vulnerable people suffer and/or die in this way?

Nana also has Alzheimer’s, so while is aware she is in the hospital, she doesn’t seem to understand the full situation. Her primary complaints were about how hot her room is and that she hasn’t been able to see anyone. She also said not many people have called, because she doesn’t think they know where she is.

She isn’t even aware that she has tested positive for COVID-19.

Imagine, suffering from dementia and being sent to a hospital where you are isolated and can’t see any loved ones, and you don’t fully understand what is happening (as you fight for your life). This thought sickens me. No one should have to go through this. And so much of it could have been avoided.

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Day 29

Having some complicated feelings today.

I just found out that my Nana has tested positive for COVID-19. She lives in a nursing home in Massachusetts.

I don’t know much more than that right now, or if anyone else on that side of my family has contracted the virus (because they have been in contact with her). Right now I am feeling guilty, because my mother (who I have a strained relationship with) was pestering me the other day to call Nana… and I flipped out on her. She just kept calling and messaging and calling in the middle of my work day and I snapped. (More on my Mom later.)

My feelings about Nana are complicated too — we don’t have much of a relationship. I also struggle with the way she would condone or turn a blind eye to abuse when we were growing up.

Regardless of what has happened in the past, I would never want a family member (or anyone) to go through a health crisis like this. Hence my guilt.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for today. Not sure what more to say other than: this is hard.

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Day 25

TFW your mother (who didn’t raise you) texts you over and over demanding that you call your Nana (whom you have no relationship with, has never had any interest in your life and who was totally down with men abusing women/children when you were growing up), whilst you are trying your best to survive a mental health crisis in the middle of a pandemic. 🤷