Tag: Grief

Happy 3 week shelter-in-place anniversary to me!
🙄

Today I am thinking a lot about family and upbringing, and about the ways who/what you are initially dealt in life can continue to haunt you.

No matter how much therapy or self-work I have done, there are themes that keep coming up for me. On the bright side, I feel like I am a woman who knows what makes me feel safe and loved. And that has tended to be a doting father figure (or mentor of some kind), who provides the support and attention I need to thrive. When I have someone like this… I am absolutely living my best life! I think that because I had such a tumultuous childhood, I saw my own father as a sort of anchor. And I feel I need that anchor to better help me understand what space I should occupy in the world. I want to be a “special helper” and I want to be “good.” I want to be loved and praised for who I am and all that I do. And that is why, I think, I am attracted to these specific types of relationships, that, ideally, would reinforce these desires.

Now my Dad is not perfect mind you… far from it actually. But he was someone who could scoop me up when I was little and make me feel protected, even if only temporarily.

Like many partners I have come to know in life, my Dad is also what you might call, “emotionally unavailable.” He is the type who will be there physically if you need help, but that is about it. Which is valuable and nothing to scoff at! But I have never really had a deep, meaningful talk with my father (as I would like to), and I have never felt any sort of validation of my feelings from him. Mostly he is the type that avoids emotions at all costs. And I see this trend repeating in my relationships. I tend to become disarmed in some way by a potential partner saying or doing “the right things” early on, so I am lulled into a sense of trust and relative safety. But then, after the enchantment period passes, I come to find out that they are not emotionally present in the way that I need and deserve. And then this makes me question my own perception of reality, given that I truly believed this was a person I could let my guard down for.

Am I doomed to repeat this pattern? Is anyone emotionally available these days? Some have suggested perhaps I am actually attracted to the lack of “access” or the way I am sort of held at arms length. If that is true, I would definitely like to change that immediately. Because it does not feel good to be marginalized for being a sentient being. I absolutely deserve validation, respect and appreciation. I know that. I just fail at getting it in practice.

I am trying not to be too hard on myself, for loving someone who simply was not ready for what I was throwing down. Allowing myself to open up the way I did, illustrates that I am willing to take risks for love. And that sometimes doesn’t pan out. I really hope this recent experience won’t impact me negatively moving forward, because I want to remain someone sweet and passionate, who wears their heart on their sleeve and fights valiantly in the name of love.

Grief-in-Place (Part 2)

Yesterday I took the second half of the day off, just to give myself space to think and breathe. I have been through so much recently, and have felt the need to create intense structure to my days just to keep myself going. But this week, I realized that I am entering a wave of grief due to the recent loss of my fiancé Phil. On March 7th, he broke off our engagement and ended our relationship over the phone. While there were some recent changes in his behavior that I had noticed (and was perplexed about), this breakup blindsided me. I spent hundreds of hours planning our September 5th wedding in Pittsburgh (his hometown), had gotten to know (and love) his family, his friends and his colleagues. I had imagined a whole future together… and that was gone in an instant. Then, within a matter of days, I had to switch gears entirely into “Coronavirus Protection Mode.”

Typically, if I had experienced this kind of loss, I would make sure to be out and about as much as possible. I would throw myself into volunteer work, and attend political meeting and events. I would spend time with friends, to at least try not to feel alone. Because due to experiences with abandonment that have transpired throughout my life, I take the loss of someone important like this extremely hard. I get severely depressed, and it is difficult to see a light at the end of the tunnel. The coronavirus complication has stripped my usual coping mechanisms away from me, so I am having to come up with substitutes on the fly. But I am really struggling.

A few days after the breakup, Phil and I did meet and talked things through a bit. It is clear that he got really scared about all these upcoming life changes, and that he reacted to that fear. I honestly don’t fully understand what happened beyond that, because he has a hard time expressing his emotions –and I am trying my best to give him the space he needs. But I am having to come to grips with the fact that I may never really “get it.” And that haunts me.

We have talked, pretty much every day since, checking in with each other in the evenings. Sometimes we talk about the latest in politics and coronavirus updates, and sometimes we watch a movie “together” (with text message commentary back and forth). Sometimes, we get on a Zoom call and play Gin Rummy using an app on our phones. Having him in my life, even though things aren’t the same, has been somewhat comforting given the strange circumstances we are in (I am sheltered in place on my own in Chicago and he is doing the same up in Milwaukee). He has come down to see me a couple times, and is the only person I have come within 6 feet of in weeks. So I guess we are still technically “seeing each other,” for the moment, but minus the feeling of joy and wonderment we had together (and without me having any status in his life). It’s like he’s half there; a ghost. And as a result, I don’t know where I am right now either. It’s finally hitting me that the person I fell in love with might just be gone. And I am just trying to be okay with that. I am just trying to be OK.

Grief-in-Place (Part 1)

You know that feeling when you first wake up in the morning, and there are just a few seconds where you aren’t fully conscious of your reality yet? Then it becomes clear, in an instant—your entire body seizes up and a sense of utter despair floods your chest?

This is where I have been at for nearly a month now… with increasing intensity over the past few days. Still processing how I want to begin talking about this.