Tag: Mental Health

Slow start today. Did some work. Cleaned up. Wrote a journal entry. Drafted an email to the Illinois Bernie delegation to the DNC Convention. Worked out.

Had a difficult therapy session this afternoon (surprisingly so). My therapist asked me specific questions regarding my negative self-talk, and countered with various alternate perspectives. It was upsetting to actually hear how hard I am on myself. Negative thoughts spiraling around my head seem “normal” at this point, but for some reason having to communicate the same thoughts out loud to someone else made me realize how cruel and uncompassionate they are. I would never talk to someone else that way… why do I say those things to myself?

After that I just relaxed… trying to be kind to myself and not feel like I need to accomplish a bunch of things tonight. Some days you have simply “done enough”—and it should be okay to convalesce, eat snacks and watch bad reality teevee in bed.

Today I am getting down to work on a few things — after a nice, relaxing holiday weekend.

In addition to my day job, I started work on building up my self-esteem and confidence. I ordered the book, “The Self-Confidence Workbook” after recognizing how my low self-esteem has impacted me negatively. Particularly, following Phil and I’s engagement being broken, I noticed that I have felt really bad about myself. After attempting to “freestyle it” for a couple months now, I realize that I am going to have to focus and do some real work to deal with the trauma I have experienced. I have been in individual psychotherapy, and while talking to someone has helped… I’ve needed more.

I read the first chapter this afternoon, and did all of the corresponding exercises. I can’t explain why but this kind of cognitive behavioral work seems to help almost immediately. Maybe it is simply the act of helping myself, and feeling like there could be a path forward without suffering (hope)?

Feeling pretty beat down today. Trying to clear my head and take care of myself in advance of heading out of town tomorrow (I likely won’t be writing blog entries while I am away).

Self care for me involves staying off of social media, drinking water, doing yoga, relaxing and watching a show or movie that doesn’t stir up emotions… and steering clear of any possible triggers so I am able to stay calm for the moment. What makes it more difficult is when people you love and do want to interact with are the trigger, or are doing things that are triggering.

Also thinking today about how past trauma has manifested in my emotions and behavior over time. Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do I am somehow “broken.” Really hoping this weekend is good and I am able to experience some reprieve from all I have been dealing with.

I was feeling pretty lonely the last couple of days… was busy with work and political organizing (and self-care!), but the isolation got to me a little. Zoom meetings simply aren’t the same!

Was happy that when I checked in with my friends the Kaufmans (Rebecca and Barry) that they were down for a distance walk this evening, during the small window of pleasant weather we had. Feels a million times better being able to talk to pals in-person, even if at a distance.