Headed up to Milwaukee soon to visit Phil and have a socially distanced hang with a couple friends of his… fingers crossed that it will go okay! This is the first time I will be spending time with him and other people (in a group) post-reunification. I think the real challenge will be to put the other worries I am having out of my mind tonight, so I am able to have a good time.
Day 93
There is a person in my life that drives me absolutely bonkers by constantly saying they will do something and then not doing it (or following up to communicate a change of plans). What do others do in this situation? It totally infuriates me. Like, there is no need to say you are going to do this; simply do not create an expectation you can’t follow through with. And I hate having to call them out for it over and over. I am just truly at a loss as to what to do about this ongoing problem.
I feel like if I say nothing, I am enabling the bad behavior to continue. But when I say something, I sound like I am nagging and a feel like a broken record (and still don’t get the outcome I want).
Just trying to take deep breaths today. Very very deep breaths.
Day 92
I think a big part of what causes resentment in relationships is when you are constantly going out on a limb, making yourself vulnerable, and/or doing a majority of labor (emotional or otherwise) and you don’t feel the other person is “stepping up” in the way they should. This causes a sense of “unfairness” or general imbalance, which leads looming resentments (at least for me). It can also make me resentful when I don’t feel like there is a forum for me to express my feelings and be heard.
Not sure where I was going with this, but there it is.
Day 88
Not sure what to write about today… I guess I am thinking about how past relationships can impact those in the present. I am thinking about how you could just *miss* someone, due to the way they (often times negatively) react to triggers from past hurt(s). And even if you have an incredible, strong connection with someone — your worlds could simply collide at an inopportune moment where they aren’t able to live mindfully with you in the present. This is why I think it is so important to be radically honest with your partner, so they have the chance to view you as a fully 3-dimensional human being — flaws and all.
Day 64
Feeling introspective today… things have been real quiet here at Casa East.
Had some intense memories come up this past weekend, which were revealed after doing some workbook exercises related to attachment theory. Basically, the exercise involved documenting feelings that were coming up and then reflecting upon when I first recall having similar feelings… mine in this case started at age 2. These revelations can be overwhelming, because not only is the memory itself traumatic — I actually feel a deep sense of loss and mourning for myself as a child.
Not sure if it is good or bad that I am revisiting forgotten memories, but I am grateful for the time to reflect. Thinking about where you have been and why you are who you are can’t be a bad thing, right?
Day 61
Getting ready to take a drive up to Milwaukee to deliver Phil’s birthday present. I’m a little nervous as I haven’t: A) driven very much in the past two months, B) haven’t visited Phil in Milwaukee in several months, and C) Wisconsin’s supreme court has overturned their safer-at-home order, so not sure if people there are practicing social distancing. Preparing my mask, gloves and hand sanitizer as we speak!
Glad to take a day off work and get out of dodge though.
Day 39
Struggling today with obsessive thoughts running through my head, and trying my best not to react. Why are we sometimes compelled to do things that result in the same (often negative) outcomes? Sometimes the urge is so strong to “take action” that it feels like I have little to no control. And it almost never works in my favor.
Is it some sort of misguided self-preservation method? Is it self-sabotage? Is it simply reacting to overwhelming feelings (such as anxiety) before there is time to think things through?
Just trying to stay cool. I realize this is all sufficiently vague so no one will actually understand what I am talking about — LOL.
Day 37
Therapy homework: identify more/better attachment figures.
Day 36
I spent time this weekend with my former-fiancé-now-again-boyfriend Phil. We have been in touch practically every day since the shelter-in-place began, and he has visited me almost every weekend. It is clear that despite our breakup, we have a strong bond, and that we have been there for each other during these difficult times. But a little over a week ago, we had a really deep talk about our relationship late one night and about our lasting feelings for one another… this was the first time in ages that I felt I could express myself without walking on eggshells or worrying that he would withdraw. It was like — wow.
Since then it has been much like old times… I’ve been getting sweet texts and voice messages just to “check in,” been talking more overall, and what I have appreciated most is my ability to speak frankly in a way that I haven’t felt able to for a long time. It has been like “he” is back! But when he expressed that he loved me and wanted to get back together this weekend, I insisted that we see a couples counselor to assess whether the rift caused by our breakup can be mended (and that we really want it to be), as well as just to process what happened together.
Part of me is relieved that we have reconnected in this way, and is optimistic that Phil seems willing to work through some difficult things in order to, hopefully, come out the other side together. The other part recognizes the major differences in our approaches to relationships, and how our various “parts” react with one another negatively.
When we were still together (before), we went to a therapist for a couple months to learn how to communicate better (since we were getting married and all), and one thing that sticks out was when our therapist talked about something called “attachment theory.” I remember looking it up at the time and it ringing a bell, but today I started digging into it more deeply. I started reading a book called Insecure in Love by Leslie Becker-Phelps PhD, and took a survey to assess what attachment “type” I am. I think there really could be something to this!
In a nutshell, the theory is that as babies we learn to “attach” to our primary caregivers/parents in a particular way, and that this way (that we learn in infancy) sticks with us and carries over into adulthood. Depending on how you are nurtured (or not) during these formative years, along with the impacts of later “attachment figures” — this affects how you will relate to romantic partners as an adult.
It turns out that I have an “anxious” type attachment style, although I identify with parts of both secure and even fearful styles. And I recognize Phil as being avoidant for sure (possibly fearful or anxious avoidant). And given our almost opposing attachment styles, I recognize that it will take a concerted effort for us to begin to relate to each other in a “stable” way. Fingers crossed!
Take the survey here if it piques your interest… and Google “attachment theory” to read more about how it impacts your own relationships.
Day 30
Just thinking today about how transient human relationships are. And about how truly strange and unpredictable they can be.
People can be so mercurial; it’s really a wonder that we have a functioning society at all.
Oh wait…
So when do you allow yourself be vulnerable, and when don’t you? What is that “healthy” point where you aren’t closing yourself off to love, relationships or opportunities… and you aren’t making hasty decisions either? How do you know what a “healthy” amount of time is to invest in working on a relationship with someone… and when it becomes more trouble than it is worth? How do you ever really know you can trust someone (can you ever really know)?